NJ: I want to go back in time to when you started your Executive MBA. How did you feel when you were told you’d be working with a coach?
TB: It was a really interesting time generally. Big picture, our cohort started the MBA during lockdown, so it was a brave new world in that sense. Then there was this trepidation. The MBA was something we all wanted to do, but we knew it was going to take a lot of time and effort. The coaching element was brought up really early in the process, so there was a slight apprehension as well as excitement to get going and see the progression in ourselves.
NJ: What contributed to that apprehension?
TB: On the one hand there are the clichés and stereotypes of talking to a professional in this space. Lie back on the couch and tell me about your childhood. Having come from a background in sports coaching, I wondered if this coaching was going to be similar or different. As a rugby coach, I stand in the middle of a field with a whistle but what form will executive coaching take? And then there’s the question of how exposed are you going to be and what is the risk in that? Are you going to be found to be lacking? Is it going to emerge that actually you are an imposter as opposed to just experiencing imposter syndrome. Of course, what happens is that it’s actually brilliant, but that's not what your head tells you initially.
NJ: It’s so true. When things are unknown to us, our minds fill in the blanks. Do you remember the night before our first session how you were feeling or what you said to your wife?
TB: I do remember talking to my wife Helen and saying I've got no idea what this is going to be about, and I remember thinking, “Blimey, I've got a guy who’s not only based in a different country but also in the corporate capital of the world in New York with a mega CV of things he’s done.” I'm thinking, “Dear God, how am I being paired with him?” I remember Helen saying, “Go with it, you’ll be fine.”
NJ: What’s funny about your image of talking about your childhood is that we did just that in our first session! What other perceptions did you have of this type of coaching?
TB: When I started the MBA, I was fully expecting to come out of it at the other end being able to go faster, do more, and lead by rallying the charge, knocking down doors, and running through walls. I wondered if the coaching would be about that. In reality, the whole MBA including the coaching was a much more reflective experience. It was about being much more cognizant of your strengths and stretches and enabling you to lead in a style that suits you. My imagery of doing the Executive MBA and the coaching was that I was going to be absolutely flying and running through walls. It has done that but in a much deeper and more purposeful way.
NJ: As we got into the coaching, what reflections did you have on what you needed to do to be a good coachee?
TB: I remember there was a really key point for me during the first session when you replayed there were two Toms. The guarded, precise, nervous one, and the free-flowing, relaxed, comfortable one. I remember thinking at that point, “Wow, that's a 100% right.” That established an enormous trust for me. The mirror was being held up and it showed me something I've now seen is 100% correct. We've managed to do that inside sixty minutes. It was a real turning point for me where I realized how good my coach was at understanding me and therefore what I needed.
NJ: What impact did that have for subsequent coaching sessions in terms of how you showed up and got the most from coaching?
TB: Firstly, to trust the process and go with it. Secondly, because I'd shared and opened up about work, home, family, and sport and that allowed for such a pivotal insight, I realized I should really buy into it. By giving that little bit about myself, I’d already got something back. There’s an energy to the process so when I'm coming into my sessions enjoy it and do the work in between, the thinking and the reflection, and enjoy that too.
NJ: What’s it like to be the receiver of coaching homework?
TB: At a superficial level, I was slightly surprised. If you’re expecting to turn up to your coaching sessions to get a pep talk, then the fact you get homework is like, “oh my God.” Once you’ve had an aha moment and realize we're onto something here, there was a trust and a desire to do the homework because it was part of the process. I enjoy being given information and being able to go away, turn it over, and process it. With hindsight, I don't doubt the exercises were selected specifically for me. It's not a formula. They suited me and I have no doubt that was by design.
NJ: Working with you was so rewarding because I could see you doing the reflection, asking questions, and having the aha moments. What did you notice about your own evolution during the coaching?
TB: I definitely became much more relaxed. Posing questions and engaging in discussion allowed me to start to map things out for myself. I was equipping myself with better information about myself, more data, and more self-awareness. There were periods of testing out new approaches and seeing what happened. By doing those things, I was able to progress as a leader. If somebody is getting the most from coaching it’s because they are open, all in, and engaged.
NJ: During coaching, you may stumble across things you don’t like about yourself. What are those moments like when you have to confront something or tear up the script about yourself?
TB: It’s a dual effect. There’s the discomfort, the embarrassment, the upset of suddenly realizing that you aren’t getting some things right as a leader, regardless of how well-intentioned you’ve been. On the other hand, there’s a relief. The first step to addressing a problem is recognizing it. I remember clearly one such moment. The phrase, “The risk of appearing to be the teacher with a red pen.” My love of precision can be effective for cutting through the noise but on other occasions, correcting people's grammar, what am I doing? With the insight, I could better manage that.
NJ: Some coachees are good at having the insights during coaching sessions but then they don’t practice new or different behaviors. They won’t take the risk, they don’t want to lay themselves bare, or they are worried about getting things wrong and messing up. You were really good about experimenting between coaching sessions. What enabled you to do that so well?
TB: The trust in the process and the recognition that there’s something to buy into. Also, the practice was done in a very controlled way. You didn’t ask me to come away from a coaching session and make a wholesale change the next day and sustain that until I saw you again. Instead, we identified the thing to practice, found a neat scenario where I could do that and brought that back to the coaching. That made the experimentation realistic. It felt like it carried risk, but the risk was managed. I didn’t have to carry a false persona all day, every day, for weeks, I could run a controlled experiment and reflect on it.
NJ: What does it feel like when you get positive reactions back from your colleagues and see the fruits of your labor?
TB: Two things spring to mind. A sense of relief. I remember a couple of those controlled experiments and seeing the impact. I've shown more of myself here and that’s gone fine. The warmth and connection I'm getting back is lovely. It's enjoyable when you get that impact. The other part was some pride. You've stuck with the process, you’ve tried this, and look at the impact.
NJ: When you are challenged by a coach and you hold a different perspective to them, how do you best get through that?
TB: It's not a zero-sum game. If I question something, it’s not about me gaining a point and the coach losing a point. It’s not about either of us having to be right or prove something. It's about us taking a step forward together. It comes back to sticking with the process, trusting each other, and seeing the progress. Don't put the walls up, just keep going. As the coachee, you’re quite entitled to be curious and to debate and that’s a good thing.
NJ: I like the concept of mutuality you are describing. The coach and coachee both playing a role in discovery.
TB: Yes, we chatted about the staggering parallels between executive coaching and sport. In my role as a Rugby Union coach, I’m not enforcing a particular way of playing the game on the team. It's about working with them to get the most out of their own game and equipping them to do that.
NJ: In conclusion, what are your top three tips for being a great coachee?
TB: The more information and commentary you share with your coach, the more they can help you. I remember sharing my Insights and MBTI reports with you and a lot about home, family, and growing up. It might feel a bit weird, particularly if you're more guarded, but the more you can share, the more your coach can do.
My next tip is to prepare. Engage in the tasks, the process, the exercises and execute on them. If you don't, you're really not maximizing the time with your coach and the time you've given yourself to be coached. I realized that receiving coaching is a privilege and a responsibility for both me and you. I felt a responsibility to execute on the tasks we agreed. There will no doubt be a formal contract in place but there is also a social contract between you and the coach, and I took the responsibility of that seriously, in line with my values. I spent a lot of time thinking and debating with the inner voice about those controlled experiments. Also, I’m lucky that I have a wife who is my best friend and also a coach. I was able to share with her the exercises you asked me to do and get a very supportive, empathetic response. Finding a confidant or an ally alongside the coach can be a great reference point.
The third thing is trusting the process. It might feel really uncomfortable but trust the coach. You'll work out fairly quickly if there's chemistry. If it’s not there, decide if someone else would be a better fit for you. Once you’ve found that mutuality, trust the process and let the coach do what the coach does and go with it.
For more information about exeuctive coaching with MindsOpen or any of our other services, contact us at info@mindopen.co
