Introduction
Beneath the polished exterior of many successful leaders lies an internal operating system developed during childhood. Terry Real, renowned thought leader and family therapist, gives us a lens to understand the impact of our upbringing on the way we lead, the Adaptive Child. Real's framework, developed through decades of clinical practice and outlined in seminal works like I Don't Want to Talk About It (1997), sheds light on the antecedents of leaders’ behaviors including their influencing styles, responses to conflict and disagreement, decision-making patterns, and relationship dynamics.
Beyond the Adaptive Child, a whole body of research demonstrates that early life experiences shape our leadership behavior. Popper and Amit's (2009) longitudinal studies demonstrate strong correlations between childhood attachment patterns and adult leadership styles. Similarly, Harms et al. (2011) established connections between early relational templates and leadership effectiveness. Wasserman and Westman (2021) found that 67% of C-Suite executives exhibited leadership patterns that directly mirrored childhood adaptation strategies, with only 23% demonstrating awareness of these connections.
This article explores how the strategies we used in childhood manifest in executive behavior, how they can be identified through executive coaching, and pathways toward more authentic, effective leadership.
Understanding the Adaptive Child
The Adaptive Child represents the collection of survival strategies developed during childhood to navigate family dynamics, challenges, and hardships. As Real explains, "Children are geniuses at adaptation. They will do whatever they need to do to survive psychologically in their families.”
A core principle of Real’s work is the grandiosity-shame dynamic, essentially two sides of the same coin. Grandiosity is contempt turned outwards and shame is grandiosity turned inwards. With grandiosity, we learn to move up and against others and with shame, we move down and away from others. Grandiosity and shame manifest as distinctive relational styles. Grandiose adaptations may take the form of:
- The dominant, controlling leader (moving against) who asserts control through intimidation, interruption, and dismissal of others' ideas. They often create fearful cultures where dissent is punished, leading to high turnover and poor psychological safety. This adaptation is commonly developed in environments where dominance was modeled or where the child needed to control chaotic situations.
- The distant, intellectualizing executive (moving away) maintains emotional distance through excessive focus on data, analysis, and abstraction. They avoid vulnerability, creating emotionally sterile cultures. Their teams often feel unseen and unappreciated despite strong technical work. This pattern typically develops in children who learned that emotional expression was dangerous or ineffective.
- The performance-obsessed achiever (moving up) derives their sense of self from measurable achievements and external recognition. They drive themselves and their teams relentlessly, often creating burnout cultures. Behind their striving lies a sense of insecurity and a fear of being found out as inadequate. This pattern develops when children receive love and approval only for performance and achievement.
Shame-based adaptations typically appear as:
- The conflict-avoidant people-pleaser (moving toward) who prioritizes harmony and likability over necessary conflict or difficult decisions. They struggle with setting boundaries, often becoming overwhelmed by others' demands. Their teams may appreciate their empathy but lack the direction required for high performance. This pattern emerges when children learn that their safety depends on maintaining others' positive regard.
- The self-sacrificing servant leader (moving down) puts others’ needs first, often to their detriment. They work excessive hours and fail to advocate for themselves or their teams. Their seeming selflessness often masks deep feelings of unworthiness. This pattern develops when children learn that their value lies in meeting others' needs.
- The perfectionistic micromanager (moving up through performance) demands flawless execution from themselves and others, creating anxiety-driven cultures. They struggle to delegate effectively, spending time correcting minute details. Their teams feel scrutinized and demoralized. This adaptation typically emerges when children learn that mistakes result in rejection or punishment.
What makes these patterns particularly challenging is their paradoxical nature. They were essential for childhood survival but become limiting in adulthood and leadership. As Siegel (2020) notes in his research on interpersonal neurobiology, "What's adaptive in one context becomes maladaptive when generalized across contexts and time."
Case Study*
Background: Michael is the CEO of a technology firm and sought executive coaching to address team retention and challenges embedding a new business strategy. Despite strong technical vision, his leadership was characterized by explosive criticism followed by withdrawal. His company culture had become fearful and risk-averse.
Assessment: Through exploration in coaching, Michael recognized his pattern of alternating between harsh criticism and emotional distance. This pattern mirrored his childhood relationship with a volatile father and emotionally absent mother.
As a child, Michael had adapted by becoming hypervigilant to mistakes (anticipating criticism) while learning to suppress his own emotional needs (mirroring his mother's example). These adaptations served him well as a child by minimizing conflict with his father while gaining conditional approval through achievement.
During coaching, Michael was able to explore the impact of his early days on his leadership style by:
- Understanding the Adaptive Child concept and recognizing his patterns as learned adaptations rather than character flaws.
- Mapping how his grandiosity (harsh criticism) and shame (withdrawal) cycles manifested in workplace relationships.
- Developing recognition of physical sensations that preceded his critical outbursts or withdrawals.
- Building practices that allowed him to depend appropriately on his executive team rather than oscillating between control and abandonment.
- Cultivating an internal Wise Adult perspective that could objectively observe and moderate adaptive responses.
Like Michael, Robinson and Reb (2021) found that executives who developed awareness of their childhood adaptation patterns were three times more likely to successfully implement sustainable behavioral changes compared to those focusing solely on behavioral techniques.
The Benefits of Self-Exploration Through Executive Coaching
Not only does coaching help leaders reach deeper self-insight and understanding, it also provides executives with internal resources to grow. These include observing one’s internal states before reacting to a situation, addressing the inner critic, processing emotions instead of acting them out, and establishing healthy boundaries. Brown (2018) demonstrates that leaders who develop these internal resources show significantly improved decision-making under pressure and more consistent alignment between stated values and behavior.
Through coaching, leaders can apply their newfound insights into their leadership practices by:
- Creating safe opportunities to experiment with new behaviors
- Rebuilding key professional relationships damaged by adaptive patterns
- Addressing how the leader's adaptations have unintentionally shaped organizational culture
- Developing strategies for self-management during high-stress periods
Conclusion
In high-stakes, performance driven business environments that also demand leaders be authentic and vulnerable, understanding and addressing the Adaptive Child is a competitive advantage. As Real notes, "Leading from adaptation creates organizational cultures of adaptation."
Executive coaching helps leaders recognize and transform these deeply embedded patterns, resulting in behavioral change and profound shifts that benefit the wider team and organization. Integrating the Adaptive Child into executive coaching represents a powerful evolution in leadership development, one that honors the complex humanity of leaders while enhancing their capacity for effectiveness at work.
References
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. Random House.
Harms, P. D., Roberts, B. W., & Winter, D. (2011). Adult development of personality and leadership. Journal of Leadership & Organizational Studies, 18(1), 51-66.
Popper, M., & Amit, K. (2009). Attachment and leader's development via experiences. The Leadership Quarterly, 20(5), 749-763.
Real, T. (1997). I don't want to talk about it: Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression. Scribner.
Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting past you and me to build a more loving relationship. Goop Press.
Robinson, S., & Reb, J. (2021). The efficacy of psychodynamic approaches in executive coaching: A longitudinal study. Journal of Applied Psychology, 106(8), 1124-1141.
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Wasserman, I. C., & Westman, P. J. (2021). The leadership shadow: Developmental origins of executive challenges. Harvard Business Review, 99(4), 112-119.
*Michael is a composite leaders based on a range of anonymized experiences coaching executives.
